after sun-shone

after collecting freckles on my shoulders in the hot sun heat of the day, i find myself back in the happiness of my studio. i'm glaring at the blankness of a wood panel perched on the cliffs edge of my easel. i have an idea of what i want on it, i can see ideas floating from right to left, up and down across the surface. only when i courage up enough action with my paintbrush will something stay put.

a blank canvas is a funny thing, it holds so much possibility, anything can happen. that's both exciting and scary at the same time. so much responsibility lies in the palm of the hand that grips the brush. what if i make a mistake? what if it turns out ugly? what if the colours are all wrong, what if i hate it? what if what if what if.....

that's what gesso is for, to cover the what ifs. IF it turns out horrible i simply slather a few coats of gorgeous wet gesso over it and begin again. i wonder how many "what if" paintings rest beneath the final pieces i've come to adore? what ghosts hide under the final brush strokes of the works of Modigliani, Chagall, Wyeth, Twombly, Lautrec, Rauschenburg.......

"what if" can RSVP when the idea of something more life threatening enters my head (like skydiving) but for now, there is no room for it in my studio. here and now i turn the negative inclinations into positive. what if i make a mistake and it turns out brilliant? what if ugly is beauty buried underneath? what if the wrong colours turn more right than i could ever have planned? what if i love it? what if what if what if.....